The Daily Grinder

It's called the weekend

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:38:11 GMT

I need a break from getting up so damn early. Thankfully I have the next two days off.

It's the end of the summer. It was pretty uneventful. Uneventful doesn't mean bad. I was talking about it with a co-worker the other day and I like the slow life. Really, at the moment I think I would like the reclusive life.

Really I just need a nap. I could get some energy to do something fun but it would take a lot to get me out of the house today.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 20:53:38 GMT

The 100 meter track finals made my day. It was lunch time. I was in the break room. I got to the TV and they were in the blocks. Seconds later it was over. That there was an amazing moment. That swimmer is pretty good too but there is nothing like seeing the fastest man ever run. I actually wanted to run out of the break room and tell everyone what I just saw. I realized none of them cared so I didn't. I loved it though.

I Am A Great Pretender

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:08:08 GMT

"I play soccer," my nephew says. He isn't even two and playing soccer is part of his identity. He won't actually start playing soccer until next year but any time he gets the chance he is practicing.

I went to my niece's soccer last night. On the drive there we were talking about it. My sister said next year my niece will probably go in the girls only soccer at a different club and my nephew's soccer will be at the club my niece is in now, "Next year mine is here," my nephew said right away because he can't wait.

During the practice my nephew did more practice with me and his dad than the kids playing soccer did. During the game we had to hold him back to keep him off the field.

Watching 3 and 4 year olds play soccer is hilarious. There were a couple kids who got it but most just ran around. At one point my niece was working on head stands. Then some kids from the other team started to copy her. My brother in law said, "That's her job to distract the other team." She was alright when she was in goal. She stopped a couple shots. She let one in because she was playing with the mesh of the net and not paying attention. Then later, back in the field, she was doing some sort of interpetive dance and ignoring the play. At this point my brother in law said, "I think we need to give up on her and focus on this one." He was referring to my nephew who has more drive to play sports at 22 months than I did at 22 years.

That doesn't mean he is going to be like Michael Phelps or anything but he'll be an athlete.

My niece is only four so it doesn't mean much. When they were doing the actual practice of soccer skills she was pretty focused on having proper form and technique. It reminded me of someone. There is no fooling anyone. I was like my niece as a kid. I am like her now. There have been times though where I was more like my nephew. I was focused and driven. What I did was I saw these people who were like my nephew and I imitated them. I pretended that I was driven and focused. I pretended to wanted to win. It worked to a certain extent. Really, though, pretending will only take you so far.

I had a professor in University who said in regards to literature, "If you don't understand it, pretend that you do. Then you look for the things that would make you understand." This is what I was doing as an athlete at the time, pretending. When it came to reading books and then writing about them, I was pretending a lot less. It was the most satisfying time of my life. I think I was most authentically myself that one year where I went to university full time.

Discovering My Limits

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 13:12:28 GMT

I wanted to clear my days to watch the Olympics. However, I got motivated the last couple of days to make money. I ended up working 42 hours in three days. Wednesday and Thursday are my regular days off so I figured I'd load up on the overtime for a few days and then take two days completely off. I felt a little dizzy this morning. If I had to go to work today I would have had trouble. I discovered my limit for long ass work days in a row is three.

Actually I could work today but not at seven in the morning. Right now I am starting to feel pretty awake.

Ghosts

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 09:14:05 GMT

I have been pulled back into memories. I rarely think of the past. I finish things and move on but I have been drawn back into memories of old jobs and old friends. These little trolls grab me and run back in time and plant me in my old surroundings but just as quickly I run back to the present with my eyes optimistically on the future.

Maybe I should stay for a minute and soak up some of that rich personal history that has made me who I am as they seem to always leave me in space where I found happiness.

Anxiety

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 11:52:32 GMT

I thought the race was at nine but it is at ten. So here I am killing some time. I am kind of excited. It is just a 5km race but it's the hardest 5k I've done. It is all hills. They aren't steep hills or long hills, just all hills. You can't beat physics. Big fat guy plus a hilly little race doesn't equal a fast time. If I do 23 minutes or so like last year, I'll be happy.

Running is my new sport. I realize that Ironman triathlon is relatively easy for me. I can do it without much trouble. The problem is I know what I have to do to be good at it and this is too hard for me. I am tired of mediocrity and want to do well at things. Sure the point of going from bike racing to triathlon was to not have to worry about being good. Bike racing is about winning period. Triathlon is more about personal accomplishment. I want to be more success driven. Running is good for this. Competitively it falls somewhere in between triathlon and cycling. For me this year going under an hour and a half for a half marathon would be a much bigger accomplishment than doing an 11-12 hour Ironman race.

I'd like to do it September 28th in the Run for the Grapes in St. Catharines which is actually really soon in terms of training.
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Edit: As predicted 23 minutes. Actually 23:10. My sister had her best race since becoming a mom. I am proud of her 26:31, almost four minutes faster than last year. Four minutes is huge in a 5k. It is enough to keep me on my toes. If I have a bad race, she could beat me. I guess I have to make sure I do things right from now on.

Hindsight

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 12:02:32 GMT

I get cooked too easily in the hot weather. It is exaggerated now that I weigh over 200 pounds but it has always been the case. Even when I was a 22 year old cyclist and weighed 165 pounds, I would get cooked in the heat.

I would go from being able to train as much as I wanted to getting knocked completely on my ass for days on end from something as easy as a 100 mile ride just because it got hot and humid.

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So my plan to become a runner: Run 10 to 20 km most days, usually 10km. Then a second workout of a half hour swim. I'll lift weights twice a week, a simple whole body workout. I'll ride my bike maybe as a second workout on the weekends or when I need a break from running.

Simplicity is good.

No, It's Really Over

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 11:23:57 GMT

I thought today I would be writing a post about how I went out and had a kick ass long ride and the whole ultra triathlon thing would be back on.

As soon as I woke up, I knew it wasn't going to happen. Sure, I know exactly what I have to do over the next three and a half weeks to have a decent Ironman race on the 30th. It is time to stop wasting my time and money on this. It was fun when it was fun but I don't want to put myself through that anymore.

I think today a really long walk would be the best thing for me.

Next year I am going to do the Niagara running series, the Welland and Grimsby sprint triathlons and maybe a marathon somewhere. That's it. I won't have to do a workout over two hours. It will be good for me. It is hard to quit because I thought I was in this for life but when I think of racing I feel bad. When I think of not racing I feel good. Well, I am still going to race but not anything that would be in that Ultra distance category.

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So I am not funny anymore. I need to navigate a return path to funniness. I am serious about this.

How do I get funny?

I just want to draw some good comics again.

The Stooges

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 11:09:38 GMT

I never really listened to The Stooges before. I downloaded all of their albums the other day and, surprise, I love them.

I have always loved a lot of 80s punk rock. That whole scene that started with The Ramones really works for me. Not the British shit like The Sex Pistols, sure they are ok and The Clash is all right but my heart is with good old fashioned American Punk rock. That being said, I don't know how I never listened to The Stooges who really inspired that whole sound. Now that you can download anything in minutes it is pretty easy to go back to where things started.

I like The Stooges as much as I like David Bowie. That is pretty big since Bowie has been awesome for decades.

I watched this documentary about The Ramones. It seems they had some frustration about not being huge. A lot of people talked shit to them about how they were going to be the biggest band in the world.

I realize that not everyone loves that kind of music. Most people would not like The Stooges as much as David Bowie. The thing is, I think it is better to be loved by some of the people all the time than liked by all the people for a short time.

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 23:07:28 GMT

My knees feel like kryptonite. I think it is from sitting on my ass all day and not swimming. Swimming has been my saviour. It is my calming stress relieving recovery activity. A little time in the pool and the day melts away.

Search It

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 21:16:38 GMT

"Have you ever google searched yourself?"

A co-worker at my old job asked me that before and I knew what he was getting at. I think if you are going to google search your co-workers you should admit it. My sister once said, "Everyone google searches everyone."

"I don't," I said. I used to google search every triathlete whom I had never heard of who won a big race. I used to like to see what they had done before and where they were coming from. Most of them have websites and a lot of them have blogs.

I have only ever google searched three people who weren't some kind of public or semi-public figure but they were really hot.

You never know what will come up.

Actually, maybe it's not a good idea to admit it. Sure if it is a dude it's OK, "Dude, I google searched you and read part of that story you wrote about the dog." Chicks though, I don't know. They could get creeped out. Could you imagine:

"I thought you were pretty so I google searched you. Now that I know you have good taste in music, would you like to go for coffee?"

That would just be weird.

I am not a runner yet

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 19:29:26 GMT

I wrote a blog entry this morning about drinking and smoking. I deleted it. I thought all my years of post secondary education have completely gone to waste if I can't write a better blog post than that.

Back when I was 20 and learning about the long hours of training cyclists put in, I had this little plan. I was going to be a cyclist. When I got older and too busy to train 20 hours a week I would just switch to running. Then I would train only 10 hours a week. The whole triathlon stuff was just a seven year side track from this plan. I was too busy a lot of those years. I found I can get by on 10 hours a week. Really to be a good at Ironman you have to spend about 10 hours a week just on the bike. 10 hours a week seems to be what I can handle now. If I spend most of that time running, chances are, I could be half decent at it.

Lately even running for an hour is hard. I had a rough couple of weeks. I have also had some chronic dehydration. A lot of that is too much coffee. Alot of it is the humidity of our Onterrible summers. My next step is to start running an hour a day and drinking only one coffee a day. This way I'll still be an athlete and I can not be exhausted from thinking about all the training I should be doing.

I don't know if that is a better blog post. Well, gimma a freakin break, I was up late drinking and smoking.

Backwards Slide

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 01:16:09 GMT

For a while I thought triathletes who did Ironman races were really cool. That is fading. I still read every blog post by Chuckie V and Gordo Byrn but it is not the same. I just think of them as dudes who did some races rather than teachers now.

I am sliding back and thinking different people are cool again. It has been a transition over a year. I started thinking Kevin Smith is cool again. Henry Rollins and Joey Ramone top the list just like when I was 16. What I really need is a new teacher. I need a new artist to learn from and emulate. I need to study writers and writing like when I was in school. I need to learn all about them and what they do like how I learned about Ironman triathletes. Then I might just get half decent at it.

Like a long time friend said, "You need to work on your writing. Even if you write a serious article or something, it will be funny."

I know he's right and it's well past time.

So who should I study?

Who is that cool writer that I can learn so much from?

What I lacked in my early years of trying to be a cyclist was the right teachers and learning environment.

I know going it alone is the hard road.

I have discipline and focus that few people can match.

I started this blog with a life list. That has all changed. I started my last blog years ago by saying I am on a quest for love, happiness and a job that doesn't suck.

What I have learned is that life is not about checking things off a list.

Hide out

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 23:37:50 GMT

I want to spend the rest of the day laying in bed listening to Leonard Cohen and dreaming about a world were I get to play sports with really cool people whom I like.

Commado

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:09:03 GMT

So I rode my bike to work yesterday. It's because I need new tires for my car. I don't want another blowout. I am getting new tires. It's just a friend got me a deal. I don't get the tires until Friday. Then I need another friend to get them put on. So really I am driving on the donut until Tuesday. I need the fitness of riding to work though. It gets me an hour of riding a day without really doing anything.

Back to riding my bike to work and the title of this entry. I have to leave at 6 am to bike to work. I start at 7 and need time to shower and compose myself once I get there. So I had to get up at 5:30. I am not so awake at 5:30. When I packed my stuff for the day I forgot underwear. I didn't want to go commando so I wore my bike shorts under my clothes. It was alright. I was self conscious all day though. I thought that someone would see the padding of the shorts through my pants when they were checking out my butt and think I was wearing depends or something. Yeah, I have been pretty anxious lately. I think it is because I need more rest, which I am getting today

I felt a lot more awake when I got to work than I normally am. It usually takes me a while to get myself going in the morning. If I ride to work, I am ready to just work right away.

Really, I should ride to work. It is good for me, even if it is a pain in the ass.

It's A Bad Day

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:50:30 GMT

For me a bad day consists of a flat tire on my car and another on my bike.

I am a pretty lucky man.

Day Three Of Not Being a Triathlete

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:17:15 GMT

Despite being stripped of my identity and sense of purpose, I really like the idea of not racing anymore.

Everyday for the last seven years I thought about training for Ironman. It was always there in my thoughts. I always had to think about recovery and that next big workout. On Monday it felt like there was this huge weight lifted from me. There is one less thing I need to worry about.

Right now I think it is important for me to not do any triathlons. It is important for me to change how I think and what I think about. Yeah, I am going to train but really now it is totally different. There is no pressure.

I am letting go of some things. I am now an underrated, underachieving, blogging call centre worker who hasn't been able to catch a break. This is probably why I have held on to being an athlete even though I was really done 10 years ago when I was just a cyclist. I needed to be able to say, "Sure, I don't make a lot of money and I am not this huge success that all of my talents indicated that I would be but, damn it, I can swim, bike and run a really long way." I just don't need that anymore.
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I have been really missing my dog. When you lose someone you love, yeah I said someone about a dog, you never fully get over it. Shit, I still miss my dad and he died almost 21 years ago.

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I think the biggest indicator that it is time to let go is when I race. I always say that was hard but really it wasn't. When the racing gets just a little bit hard, I think I have suffered enough and I quit. I don't drop out of the race but there is no push left in me for this stuff.

Things Change

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 17:31:51 GMT

There was a time when I really wanted to be a cyclist. There was a time I really wanted to bike across Canada. There was a time when I really wanted to do Ironman races.

I did it. I did it all. Not as well as I would have liked but at this point that doesn't matter at all.

Now I don't want to do it so much.

I still want to want to but really I don't. I liked having goals and drive and something to focus on. Now I don't need it and the rewards aren't there.

I don't have friends in the sport anymore.

I don't have anything to gain by doing it that I haven't already gained. I am not going to learn anything else by continuing.

Maybe I won't train hard over the next several weeks. Maybe I won't go to the race at the end of August. Maybe I am done.

I don't want to jump too soon and say that's it but really I don't want to go. I don't want to race.

If I did want to, I would have been out doing 100 mile rides in the cold of January.

Now I just want to be strong and fit. I want to hang out with people I like and care about. I want to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day ahead. Today, the last thing I wanted to do was train. Still I had a not bad ride. I went a little bit fast for awhile. It felt good. I know I can race.

I really want to leave it all behind me and only think about it on occasion, when you talk about past adventures.

I really love training and don't want to get any fatter so really, I will always be a triathlete. Just I won't be one who does triathlons. I think I will still ride my bike on Sunday mornings like I have been doing for years and years.

Yeah, I am still me

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:47:44 GMT

Someone was cranking Blue Rodeo when I got home. They are one of those bands that if you like em for more than a day at a time, there is probably something wrong with your brain.

So I put on Leftover Crack and turned it up loud. I don't want to hear shit ass Blue Rodeo after a long day in the call centre. It did feel really good to be back at work though.

I have been having a hard time staying hydrated. It might be all the coffee and alcohol. Actually, I haven't been drinking a lot but 12 drinks in a week is a lot to me. So really I am cutting that shit right the fuck out. The drinking that is. Well July 26th I am committed to getting hammered. Yeah, I said it. I'll do it. That is the way I am. Do what I say, say what I do and all that bull shit. My life is built on this solid foundation of bull shit. It is dried and hard so it holds up. One hard rain will turn it into a slimy crap flood. Then I would be drowning in it. I know it has happened to me before.

Everything that makes up who I really am has no bull shit about it though. This is why I survive all these times when I am drowning in all the bullshit that is washing away around me.

I can't cut out the coffee. I think I am a real danger to myself and others until I drink that second cup in the morning. Well, I am danger of being an asshole but that's it. I really try hard not to be an asshole. It is hard when assholes are just everywhere spewing their bull shit and making people fucken drown in it.

How could it be a problem

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 20:34:30 GMT

One thing about where I live is the spontaneous parties. They just kind of happen. Thursday was my Saturday so we ended up drinking beers and having a fire. Last night was Saturday and it ended up being a full on party night. I abstained from the drinking as I really didn't want to and I had to train today. I still stayed up late and got up early. Then I biked about 90km with a lot of hills. It started raining as soon as I got out on my run which was a little over 10 miles, probably around 18km. The hail was pretty vicious. It actually hurt when it hit me. The thing is it didn't bother me much. You have to be a little bit tough to be a triathlete. I had a little nap but not enough to make up for the lost sleep.

Getting All The News I Need

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 13:07:06 GMT

Well the weather report says no rain but my internal barometer is saying it's going to pour. It's my day off. However, I am a fair weather bike rider now and don't want a soaking. I don't want to run either. My ankles are hurting a little from Tuesday's race. It's a sign I need some new shoes. The ones I have now never felt that great anyway. Some shoes just feel so awesome and then when you go to buy new ones the model has changed just enough to make them not awesome. I pretty much know what to look for now anyway.

So I am doing an Ironman distance race in 9 weeks. Hmmmm, will I be ready? I pretty much know what I am capable of and what I need to do. There have been times where I haven't judged it right.

As far as getting my weight down, it won't happen. I am back up to 205. Really, with an office job the only way I can get my weight down is by starving myself and that would cause more harm than good.

I have done enough long runs. Sure my racing didn't reflect my training but that was sort of my plan. I wanted to train hard with the running right up to the half marathon at the beginning of June and race it a little cooked. I didn't expect such a dramatic meltdown though. I haven't run well in the heat in two years and that was my first hot run of the year.

So from here on, starting Sunday, I am going to bike 50 miles and then run 10 miles on Sundays and Wednesdays. I just happen to have those days off for my July schedule. It will be enough. I am going to do the exact same ride every time. It will be a hilly 50 miles. For me, if I am in shape I have endurance, if I am not I don't.

I am going to make sure I do an open water swim once a week and lift weights twice a week. The rest is a day by day. A whatever I have in me kind of plan.

I was walking my buddy's dog along the canal this morning. One of the cutest girls I have ever seen in my life ran past me. Unfortunately, that is the end of the story.

Beat Down

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:46:52 GMT

Work has been beating me down. By the end of each work day I am done, cooked, finished. I chill for a bit, train for an hour or so, do one other thing and that's it.

Today, I raced. There is a 10k race in Grimsby. It is always on a Tuesday night. My whole dang family was going. My sister was doing the 10k and my four year old niece was really excited about doing the 1k. All of her grandparents were going.

So I had to go even though I felt done.

It was really enjoyable to just have a day outside with my family.

My niece actually didn't do the 1k race. There were like a hundred kids. She told her mom not to run with her but when the mob took off she got scared. All the kids took off and she just stood there. My sister went up the road a bit and was going to run beside her on the sidewalk but she couldn't find her kid. So she ran back and forth looking for her in a bit of a panic. It was cool she figured it out quickly.

My sister was a little mad but I thought it was cool and told my niece I loved her. I didn't like the pep talk at the start of the race about having fun and smiling. Be sure you smile. I hated that kind of shit when I was a kid and I still do now. Let's all smile and get along like we're living in the Smurf village. We can all hold hands and share candy and shit. I told my niece that racing is all bull crap anyway. My mom said no it's not. Since I have done more of it than anyone in my family, I think I would know better.

So really, now that it is over I wish that my next race were tomorrow. I didn't do well or anything. It felt very hard and it wasn't even brutally hot like other years. It was harder to run this race in 47 minutes today than it was to run it in 42 minutes about 20 pounds ago. Really, though, as long as I have one good race a year I'll keep coming back. I have to get up in a few hours to get back to work so I can beat down again. At least I had some time to really enjoy myself and have fun doing what I love.

People Get Mad--Get The Fuck Over It

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:09:39 GMT

You know how those vicious cycles get going. Someone gets mad at you and you say something like fuck you fucken asshole and you don't even mean it, you where just mad. Then people are mad at you for saying it. You can tell someone why you are mad and they get mad. Then everyone is mad all round. Then every one thinks they need to do something about it or say something because they are mad about all the madness.

So what! People get mad. It is part of the human condition.

You have to just let it go, accept it, put it behind you and stick up for yourself all at the same time.

I have been mad before. I like to take it out on my car. Someone said, "You punched your car! You must have been pissed!"

Well, fuck, I punch my car on regular basis. Why do you think it is so full of dents? Asshole car deserves it for depreciating in value so much. My bike is worth more than my car. Does that make me the real deal? Well, when it comes to cycling, if you put more miles on you bike than on your car, you are the real deal. The dollar value has nothing to do with it. I am further from being the real deal than I have ever been in my life when it comes to driving biking ratios. Well, that's bullshit anyway.

Sometimes you have to respect the bullshit and realize that in some situations the bullshit is there for a reason. However, it is still bullshit and people tend to get carried away with it and feel like they need to utilize it as much as possible. However, being the real deal, yeah, I can be the real no bullshit deal at things other than riding my bike, I know you need to involve yourself in as little bullshit as possible. That being said even then the real no bullshit deal has to take a little crap every now and again.

You know those people who say, "Don't piss me off." They are assholes. People should get pissed off. They should have opportunities to be angry and then get to deal with it in the right way. People should get angry and figure out how to channel it into making the world a better place. They need to take it all in as a learning experience.

Well, now I feel like an asshole for writing some piece of shit blog entry where I act like I know all about all this shit. Well, what the fuck can I do?

You want to talk about angry, I don't even have my dog anymore.

Just 90km

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 23:10:23 GMT

This kid rode by me going in the opposite direction. He was young, an old teenager or young 20s. He was a bike rider. Lean and fit. He was spinning his ass off. Just one look in a minute and I say to myself "There goes a good rider."
I realized it has been a while since people would have been able to say that about me.
I slogged over some hills and got home feeling like an old man.
I was a lean fit kid for a long time. I can let it go. Letting it go doesn't mean I can't love the sport and doesn't mean I have to stop doing it. I decided this ten years ago. There were a couple years in there though where it came back a little. It felt really good. I am glad it did. It certainly wasn't a waste of time. I remember how happy it made at times.
I only rode 90km today. A far cry from the miles that kid would have had to have done to ride the way he was riding.
The joy doesn't just come from the bike riding. It comes from being fit. It comes from having what used to be hard be effortless. It is a really good feeling and I thought about that feeling when I saw that kid.

Why say it when other people can say it better?

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 23:32:39 GMT

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