thedelusionist

I have to leave for work in 5 minutes. I spent my time reading livejournal and facebook updates instead of getting dressed and eating breakfast.

I switched shifts with a friend so I work at 7. I kept getting up through the night because I was afraid to sleep in.

triman did Ironman Arizona yesterday. Pretty amazing for a guy with one leg two or three inches shorter than the other and no cartilage in his knee. Well it is pretty amazing for anyone to do a 226 km triathlon.

Well there is no traffic this early. I can leave five minutes later.

I had an idea for a Youtube channel. I will post videos of me cleaning my apartment. Why? I have been told it is sexy.

I could get hundreds of views from bored housewives with useless husbands. It wouldn't really be much trouble for me since I have to clean my apartment anyway.

I won't do it though. I don't want to be in youtube videos. I have a youtube channel that I made a couple years ago. I haven't updated it in a long time and I probably won't. I read the comments on my videos today. One dude said I was a loser. I laughed. I was going to respond and say it was a joke stupid but didn't. When you have haters you know you have made a good video. I didn't really make videos though.

I have been struggling with the creative process. Well, I have not been in the creative process. Some of you read my comic site. I updated it for a bit lately but then stopped having ideas. The one day I even got my five year old niece into a brain storming session.

Niece: Write a comic about things you don't like about work.

Sister: He's done that many times.

Niece: Write a comic about going to space and meeting aliens.

Me: How do I make that a joke?

Niece: Why did you go to space?

Me: Because I didn't understand the email.

I actually ended up writing a comic from that. The line came from emails I get that make no sense.

With being creative I do better when I focus on quantity not quality. The quality comes somewhere in all the quantity. When I draw comics every day I get about two good ones a week. I have also learned that if I have to ask if it is funny it isn't. I think the problem is I write a comic I am really happy with then I just stop for a while because I am happy with what I have done.

In light of recent developments my thoughts have turned to values. My work is always promoting the company's core values. It sounds good on paper but who knows how real it all is.

So what are my core values?

Non-violence is up there. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Honesty is up there. I really hate bullshit. I just see so much of it. I value honesty because I hate bullshit. Not that I haven't ever been full of shit but I didn't enjoy it.

A healthy lifestyle is important. My only real vice is sometimes I like to drink beer. I rarely drink more than two or three though.

So those are the only core values that really stick. I could add some more but they would be ideas that I value in theory but not always in practice. Core values you always have to follow in practice.

I am not all punk rock and hip hop. I listen soul music sometimes and feel it deep down like it is part of me.

I have rock solid knees. I can not train for weeks and then go smack down a three hour run up and down hills without a twinge or quiver in my 36 and a half year old knees.

This hasn't always been the case.

In high school I had knee problems. I think it was from a combination of growing too fast and from working too hard. Not that I worked really hard. I would go to school all day and then I had three jobs.

Being over tired and stressed out leads to sore knees. Really, that is what can be used as an indicator. If my knees are sore it is time to chill out and relax.

When I was a security guard and stayed up all night, my knees always hurt.

In 2004, I really hurt my knee. It was from running. Mostly running anyway. I couldn't run for eight minutes without being stopped with pain.

It wasn't 100 per cent until 2006.

The biggest thing was changing gyms. I stopped doing spinning classes. High end intervals are not for anyone with anything that resembles a knee problem.

I also started doing squats with light weights. This had an immediate positive effect on my knees. Within weeks my wonky knee felt stronger and more stable in everything I did.

It seems simple. Skip the high end intervals and do squats with light or no weight. That was the answer for me anyway.

Some people say that running is bad for knees. I disagree. I think being heavy and out of shape is bad for your knees. Knee problems run as deep if not deeper in the sedentary population as they do in the running community.

Then the other secret if your knees do hurt is to roller blade. It is zero impact aerobic training. It can also correct a lot of alignment problems that come from running. I really don't like roller blading though. I am not very good at stopping so it scares me a bit.

So it has been over three years since my knees hurt. I also haven't trained as much the last two years. It could have just been allowing enough time for proper healing. I feel a little blessed to have rock solid knees now, knock wood.

I will always take care of my knees. I want them to last the rest of my life. I am just glad now that I can count on them to not give out on me.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I have been reflecting on high frequency training. There have been times it has really worked for me. The thing is it has only ever worked in the short term. It always gives me a little boost if I do it for a week or two but if I train like that for months it wears me down severely. For me it has always been longer harder workouts with a lot of down time that has worked the best. I am strong and can do a lot of damage to myself. When I do that it can take a long time to recover.

The weather has been nice. The fall this year has been better than the summer. It makes me want to get out and train for marathons and triathlons.

It is time to start thinking about Christmas!!!!

I don't even know if I am going to have to work or not. Sucks!!!


The song of the day is My First Christmas as a Woman by The Vandals. I recommend tracking this song down and listening to it. It usually makes me happy. I have a hard time not singing along with it at the top of my lungs. I even had to avoid listening to it on my ipod at work.

With Christmas upon us it's time to be honest
and follow my dreams and to face
a life of delusion and gender confusion
no longer will be the case

I never wanted army men or basketballs,
I only wanted pantyhose and Barbie dolls
And dressing up in mother's clothing.

My whole life I've been feeling only feminine
It always seemed so useless trying to be a man
Now that's a ghost of Christmas past

Now it feels like the very first time,
cuz it's going to be the very first time,
that Christmas feels right to me.

And I know that I'm looking good
Just like a real girl should-
It's my first Christmas as a woman

A doctor reconstructed my genitals
And now I'm waiting underneath the mistletoe
for a guy who could love a girl like me.

I took the hormones and I got my breasts
This season's gonna be the best to me.

I won't have to tuck it behind me
Since I got my brand new vagina
It's my first Christmas as a woman.

Chop if off! Chop if off! Chop if off!
My penis, chop it off
It's no use to me.
Cut it off!
Chop it off! Chop it off!
My penis, cut it off so I can finally be
A Woman...

Now I'm finally happy cuz I made my goal
to be a post operation transsexual.
now I'm a pretty lady

Now it feels like the very first time,
cuz it's going to be the very first time,
that Christmas feels right to me.

Cuz I know that I'm looking good
Just like a real girl should-
It's my first Christmas as a woman

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!


My favourite song today is The Good Life by Weezer. I have been listening to Weezer most of the day. It makes me think of being in college.

The only other thing I thought today is I can't wait until we run out of oil. We really should leave all that dirty Canadian oil in the ground. It is the right thing to do.

This morning I woke up and wasn't tired. It is a strange feeling. For the last couple weeks I have felt like all I could do was sleep.

I don't think it was swine flu. It was just a change in the season and the clocks. They say everything is swine flu right now.

Yesterday we had a little extra time on our lunch so my buddy and I took a little tour of my old school which is just across the street. There are new buildings every time I go there. It makes me want to go back to get another useless degree. Not that my education was useless. It is just people fail to recognize it's usefulness. I don't get no respect.

I feel like going to Ikea.

The last time one of my uncles died I quit my job and decided I was going to train full time for Ironman races. I didn't last too long. I don't do well without a job. This time I won't do that. I have done that before.

My cousin made a speech that brought back the best times. The times when it was so much fun to be part of this family. It was the days when my aunts and uncles were best friends. My grandmother was this center that kept us all close. He brought back memories of my uncle being so joyful and so great to be around. Everyone shared love, grief and loss.

When you lose your father you never get over it. You move on. You keep him close to your heart. You miss him and often wish he was there.

Life is a gift.

I would have liked to say my year off racing was good for me. I found doing a race today very hard. I suffered a lot of the time. It was an 8km run. The first 2km were hard. The next 6km I suffered. I suffered like I was running fast but I wasn't. I did 8km in 39 minutes. 10 years ago I could run 10km that fast.

I came to the realization that being an athlete is over for me. I quit several times over the years but always went back. This time I just sort of drifted out of it. I don't really want to do it so much anymore. I feel good about not racing. I am still very much a fan of triathlon though.

After today I really want to work on running. Something about running as fast as I can and still being slow makes me want to get to work. Starting Monday I am working on running. I think I need more day after day running rather than this run for three hours once a week and the then 20 minutes on the treadmill the rest of the time. It is not working.

So really being an athlete isn't over. I don't feel like training for Ironman races but if I really work on running and do a fast marathon then I might think about training for an Ironman. Training for triathlon is a lifestyle. Training for an Ironman triathlon is your life. Maybe I will be a marathon runner who does sprint triathlons next year. If it was still important to me I would be better at it.

I could make some excuses. I had some bad sleeps this week. I drank some beers. Those are the kind of things that if I was really fit it wouldn't have made a difference but since I am not I am sure that they did. I also started slowly. If I had suffered right from the start I might have been two minutes faster.

I didn't know that being vegan or being vegetarian was a religion. I thought it was a lifestyle. Have you ever asked a vegan if they wanted some chicken? I haven't but I have seen it done. It doesn't go over well. They say. "I can't eat that." It is like an insult to religious convictions.

I asked a vegan about being mostly vegan. He said he didn't see the point. I see the point. If you are vegan because of the mistreatment of animals there is very much a benefit to eating less of them. Say you eat pork once a year when your friend invites you to a barbecue, you aren't contributing too much to the massive hog factories that destroy ecosystems. Then you are also not being rude.

There are muslims out there who take a moderate approach. They pray once a day because it doesn't fit the North American culture to pray five times. They eat Halal when they can but eat McDonald's sometimes too. They are still muslim but they are muslim as it fits their lifestyle.

Vegan isn't a religion though. It is a diet. I understand the conviction though. I understand it especially from the moral point of view. It takes conviction to turn your back on the way you were raised. It takes conviction to live a lifestyle that is different from everyone around you. I completely understand it but wouldn't want to live it.

I could see myself being mostly vegetarian. It makes sense. Eating beans and lentils is good for you. If there are health benefits to being vegetarian you will get them by being mostly vegetarian. I know a mostly vegetarian. He says he prefers to eat a vegetarian diet. He doesn't swear off meat. He just chooses eat lightly and have chick peas rather than meat.

The vegan extremists who avoid animal products at all costs tend to be younger. When you are older it seems easier to change your lifestyle without being extreme about it. You learn that series of small changes make a difference.

The way to be mostly vegetarian is easy. You don't buy meat and you don't cook it. You go out for beer and chicken wings with your friends on occasion and when your mom makes you dinner you shut up and eat it. This would be the way I would do it.

I don't live in Florida where bears and alligators come up in your yard. We sometimes get opossums and raccoons. Usually we just see squirrels. The Northend has a lot of rabbits. This one was out beside the house today.

I watched TV for a bit yesterday. There was a show on where they were talking about whether Fergie's boyfriend banged a stripper or not. Then I turned it off. The Internet is my preferred time waster. Things have changed a lot in the last 14 years since the Internet became available to everyone. I think TV deserves to die a slow death. If I want to watch reruns of the Simpsons I can download them. So I say no to the TV tax. There is a proposed tax where the cable companies will need to pay local TV for broadcasting their content. It seems kind of backwards. The local TV should pay the cable companies to deliver their programing so local TV can sell advertising. Cable is included in my rent. If my rent goes up one dollar for the TV tax I will move and buy an antenna. My old place had an antenna. It worked fine. I had more than enough TV.

TV networks are starting to give up and broadcast their programs over the Internet. It is the only way they will survive. Celebrity gossip is better online anyway. This way you get to comment on it.

I had the day off. It is a short story of how I got the day off but I won't tell it.

I borrowed my friend's dog this morning and did a good walk. Most people identify themselves with there jobs. I identified myself with my dog. Since I am between dogs right now, I am missing part of my identity. It is good to get a little dog time and feel like myself again.

I was looking for an apartment, the apartment I live in now. I found it frustrating as everything was total crap or out of my price range. I saw a sign on a building. Not the building I live in but one owned by the same dude. There was no traffic. I stop to write a down the number. In the seconds I was stopped this dirt bag comes up behind me and lays on his horn. He yells, "Come On!" out his window.

I yelled, "Back off a second." I finished writing down the number and drove away. I was pissed though. If the guy didn't shut up and wait a second I would have been ready to get out of my car and pound him into the ground. I really have low tolerance for road rage. I have learned to be the most patient driver in the world. When I see people start things over traffic I get mad. As I was driving home I thought, "What a dirt bag. Driving his rusted out pick up and starting shit because he had to use his breaks. Dirt bag!" Then I thought about the rustiness of my car. I thought of my search for an apartment. I thought of how I was perfectly willing to get out  of my car and go toe to toe with this dude who I didn't know from anyone just because I was not in a mood to take any crap. I was a dirt bag. I asked myself when this happened. I didn't have the answer.  

Fortunately, that number lead to this apartment, which I am plenty happy with. The second choice apartment was actually pretty good too. I hadn't really thought about it since. In that moment I thought of all the things I haven't done or haven't accomplished. I thought of all the things I can't do because I don't have enough money. I thought of how I need to do better. It was a rough five minutes for me emotionally.

I don't want to hear another word about H1N1 but I will say a few.

Really, I don't want to get emails at work with arguments against the flu shot. I don't get the flu shot. There are risks to getting the flu shot and risks to not getting it. This year if I get sick and feel like I am going to die I will go to the doctor instead of toughing it out. There is no way I would think that getting your kids the flu shot because you don't want them to die is wrong in any way. Kids have died from H1N1. The fear of the flu shot is left over from 30 years ago when it was actually more of a risk to get it. So yes I support getting the H1N1 shot for your kids. I am not going to bother myself but I would bet on my chances of being able to survive even the worst flu. If I die from H1N1 next week I will look really stupid for saying that.

I like the idea of not believing in beliefs because beliefs are hard to change. It is better to have ideas that are easy to change. People have killed each other over beliefs for centuries. I would say I like the idea of an H1N1 shot but I don't like the idea of standing in line to get it.

I recall a dude saying he chose his cell phone company because he was a strong believer in billing by the second. I could see liking the idea of billing by the second but to say believer is a little strong. Kids believe in Santa Clause. People believe in Jesus. I don't think cell phone plans should be on the same level. Cell phone plans, I don't think, should be part of any one's value system. I can see valuing fairness and then liking the idea of a fair cell phone plan. The cult of the cell phone is strong. I don't like the idea of having a cell phone. I like it that people can't call me when I am not at home. I would never say I don't believe in cell phones. One day I might like the idea of having one and just go get one but a cell phone will probably never be part of my value system.

There is something about working 9 to 5 in the fall and winter that makes it seem like there aren't enough hours in a day.

I used to be a morning trainer but that was when I used to drink coffee. Even on the weekends I don't get out the door until after 9 am. Waking up takes more time than it used to. This has been a busy week so far. After today that will change.
 
I got some new posters for my kitchen. I got a poster of Gandhi, one of Martin Luther King Jr. and a poster of Muhammad Ali. Now some of you might not think Ali fits with the other two but he does because of refusing to fight in a white man's war. Sports stars always got drafted into safe roles but Ali still wouldn't go.

I have loved boxing for as long as I can remember. When I was very young I was talking to my dad about how great Muhammad Ali was. My dad told me he wasn't great for being a boxer. He told me Ali was great for what he did and how spoke out against the war while refusing to be drafted.  

My dad seemed to know that you aren't a great person just because you are a great athlete. Still though, I love to watch all those old fights.


Now I am going to write about how much I hate UFC. I used to think that the UFC sucked because the athletes weren't as good. I have given it a chance and there are good fighters. They are getting better too. You see the veterans getting their asses handed to them not because they are getting older but because the newcomers are better. The reason I hate UFC is punching a guy in the head while he is on the ground is just wrong. Yeah, you can't watch the UFC and not think our society is in decline.

Today there were a lot of races. Marathons and triathlons were run all over the world. I wasn't in any of them. My sister ran a 10km race in Niagara Falls.

I did my second workout of the week. Yeah, it was a two workout week. I didn't have it in the mornings even with the later shifts. I did an hour swim on Wednesday and a three hour run today.

I realize a three hour run is a big haul for a 217 pound man. I have been doing three hour runs for so long that it just feels natural. Today I felt something I didn't feel when I weighed 35 pounds less. I felt fear. I was scared to go run for three hours. I was afraid of melting down and having a long horrible walk home. I was fine though. I am glad I faced that fear. In other years I didn't get scared like that.

My sister calls what I do being a "Youtube intellectual." I don't live the life of an academic but I never got over being a student. I seek out podcasts of lectures, documentaries about brains, youtube videos about electric cars and sustainability. I just get on missions to learn about stuff. Then when I find something that I am really interested in I hit the books with a passion.

When I did my degree in English there were some older students in my classes. They had already read everything and knew what they were talking about. They made me feel young and dumb. If I were to go back to school that is what I would be like.

My mom says if I am going to be an academic I should do it for real. I dislike the structure of the classroom though. I don't know if I could follow proper seminar rules. I don't know if I could sit for an exam and actually take it seriously. I also wouldn't want to waste anymore money on school.

So I am a Youtube intellectual. My education followed by the evolution of the Internet made me that way. It is good for me. When people talk about things I understand. I have good background knowledge in most things. It also allows me to know when people are talking out of their asses or just don't get it.

As I sit here writing this I feel the need to seek out some sort of knowledge.

Then again, I may just be procrastinating. My oven is dirty and I need to turn off the smoke alarm every time I use it. I really don't want to clean the oven and learning is valuable.

No one looks cool when they drive anymore. They look the opposite of cool. Even these people who love driving and think they are good at it look like total knobs. They can be driving the coolest car in the world and still look stupid. That anxious rushed agressive look makes everyone look stupid. We need to take a step back. We need to go back to a time where people just sat back and relaxed. This hunched forward agressive anxious faced bull makes people really ugly. Come on now, even if we have to leave a little earlier for work it would be worth it.

If someone isn't a bad influence on you at least some of the time or at least in small ways, they aren't really a friend. They should at least offer you cigarettes when you are drinking. They should make you late coming back from break at work. They should encourage gossip and turn you against other people. They should get you to stay out late on work days and drink too much on occasion. Bad influence shouldn't be their primary role in your life but it has to be there at least in small ways.

I fear I am too much of a positive influence. I will work on that.

I had a moral dilemma.

I don't do things I think are wrong. I try not to participate in things I think are stupid. I never volunteer for things I don't want to do. It is hard to tell what is wrong though.

So it came to this, if I have to lie about it, it is probably wrong.

I really like to be completely honest or completely shut up. It is the way I am.

Sometimes it is hard to follow your own moral compass.